Adult ADHD

On a whim, I was browsing through a Health Magazine article called “12 Signs you may have Adult ADHD” and I fit the description of 10 of the 12. Although it would be nice to be able to explain why I lose my keys every morning and why I can’t seem to keep hold of a cell phone, I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t know why kept reading because the same thing happens with these types of articles that happen with webMD. They’ll basically have you to believe you have some type of terminal disease, when really it’s just stress. Now don’t get me wrong, I probably would pass a test for adult ADHD but that doesn’t mean I need to be medicated or get special therapy. I lose my keys every morning because my mother moves them every night, and I lose my cell phone because I really don’t like being bothered. Agreeing to be tested is saying that I want an excuse and I don’t,  but it could also be very helpful in figuring out why I tend to have “Bad luck”. Cath-22 much?

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Chivalry

Chivalry isn’t dead, it isn’t sick, it isn’t even injured. It’s tired. It’s tired of being taken for granted and constantly taking spit to the face. It’s in hiding. It’s has decided that it will only rear it’s head when it will be appreciated and I don’t blame it. Nobody likes being under-appreciated, called names, nor being disrespected. Chivalry is not thirst, game, deceit, or putting on, it’s a moral and honor code to basically be at the very least a decent human being. Dassit!

I’d rather not waste my time

I am fully capable of being a woman and doing the things that make me happy and I am also capable of being in a relationship and making sure that my man is well taken care of, but just because I am very much so capable of being in a relationship (better than a lot of people I know in a relationship) I’m not. I have all the qualities that most men look for in a mate (I can cook, clean, great conversation, I’m cute, parent’s love me, I’m interesting, and I give great massages) and I’ve had more than my fair share of offers, yet I’m single. Why? Well there’s a few reasons and the main one being that I don’t like non-meaningful relationships. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and from that one relationship that didn’t even last a year I learned a lot about myself and how I see and value relationships. After a few women empowerment conferences I was able to cultivate those experiences into my likes, dislikes, deal breakers, and things I can compromise on. I know that these are fine for my early twenties and that they may change as I grow older, but right now I hold these truths to be self-evident.

Deal breakers:

Negative guys

Closed minded guys

Guys with no goals

Bad taste in music (I know this is petty, I do not care at the moment)

I may add to the list, but I’m pretty sure I won’t take away from the list. I’m one of those people who believes in the art of courting and I don’t care for relationships that act as place holder relationships. I don’t care about any title but the Wife title, so I’m completely OK with “dating” “courting” “going steady” because until you can see yourself having a future with me, and me reciprocating that, we don’t need any permanent (boyfriend/girlfriend) attachments. I want a mate who I can build an empire with, raise children with, grow old with, and really I just someone who will compliment me and be willing to stick around and rebuild after the storm hits. I’m not looking for a man free of flaws, just someone who’s flaws are worth loving. I want to be a loving and supporting wife for my future husband so I believe that me abstaining from meaningless relationships that will scar me aren’t worth it in the long run. I’m practicing delayed gratification because I’m a loyal woman and I’d like to stay that way so when the right person comes along, he’ll get the woman he deserves.

The Blessings Great Friends Rear

Growing up, I didn’t have friends. I had classmates, I had teammates, I had a strong associate or two, but nobody that fit into what I now define as a “great friend”. My freshman year of college I gained true friends. The “I will sing to you and be silly on your birthday to cheer you up friends,” the I’ll go to class for you when you’re sick and take your notes so you won’t miss anything important friends” “the I call your mom, mom” friends and most importantly the “I will hold you accountable for your actions and let you know when you’re tripping” friends. Not only that, they care (sometimes to a fault). We are vested in one another. We don’t always agree, we don’t have the same taste in men, and we all love tequila. We all come from very different middle class American homes and span the board in the areas of social justice, politics, entertainment, and being a decent human being, yet somehow we make it work. I think most of this stems from respecting that people you love may have different opinions than you, but you should take that opportunity to get a new perspective. It’s humbling at times because you can be so against something and never realize that that very things can work wonders for another person’s situation. I’ve come to terms with so many things that I was “morally against” in the past few years and I’m glad that I have. Coming into college I had very conservative views on abortion, the female body, politics, etc. and it never occurred to me that I could be wrong. Boy, was I wrong. I would describe my views as moderate now, and that would not have happened had it not been for my friends. I’m grateful for great friends, not only because I actually have friends, but also because of how much they’ve taught me. I guess those years I spent friendless were the years that helped me cultivate myself and make sure that I could be a great friend to the great friends that would come into my life. I’m glad I had that time to prepare myself because because of my friends, I feel as though I am more of a decent human being, and at the end of the day that’s what counts.

Conversations with my 18 year old self

Hey girlie,

Congrats on graduating from that hell hole today. And good job on not crying too! Your dad will realize when you turn 23 how much of your life you missed out on, and for some reason, seeing that regret in his eyes will make these feeling obsolete. College is going to be great, you’ll be blessed with more great friends than you ever thought possible and you mad a great decision going to southern. The hard times will be hard, you’ll get through them though. They’ll give you really bad anxiety and subsequent asthma, but you’ll get through. Those great friends that you’ll make will stand by your side through it all, all of them will. That’s how you know they are your true friends. Share more of yourself with people. College will be different from high school, these are the people are more like you. Be yourself, people will love you. Now, you’re not going to have the best mentor, but this will drive your innovation. You will be able to be a great mentor for so many other people and that will help you come to terms with not having had that groundwork. Mentoring will change your life, let it. It will make you a better person, let it. Don’t block these blessings. Your future ex-boyfriend will not be worth the tears, but you’ll cry about him anyway. He’s a great guy, just not great for you. Don’t let him make you bitter, use that time to discover yourself and don’t listen to what your peers are telling you and jump into another relationship. Take the time to heal yourself so that your next relationship can have the opportunity to flourish. You’ll stop doing what you love for a while, but get back to it. Painting and writing keep you sane. When you dye your hair purple, it will be your favorite, but you will only have it for 3 days, and you won’t have any good pictures of it. Just let it be. There will be this boy, he will change your entire perception on the opposite sex, you will be so engulf with how he makes you feel that you won’t know how to deal with it. You will run. Once you have had time to put things into perspective, you will see that running away was you being scared that you could actually be in love with him. We’re still trying to figure this one out, but just know that what is meant to be will be. You’ll make a decision that has to be edited due to circumstance, remember to change the route and not the destination. Be strong young cupcake, you will have people on your side, use them. Mwah! Love you!

Getting back to my first love

Writing has always been an outlet for me. Ever since I could hold a pen, I’ve been scribbling nonsensical wiggling lines across any surface I could reach that would retain ink. My imagination won me many award growing up. It always amazed my teachers that I was able to grasp poetry, fiction, and creative non-fiction so well. Then life’s adult stresses set in and my writing juices dried up. Sophomore and Junior year of HS, I didn’t write anything unless it was for school (which includes my phenomenal score on the HS writing test). I was able to get enough mojo back my senior year to place in the top three of the celebration of writer’s for the 7th time and then pass AP Literature and British Literature with A’s before the well ran dry again. In college, my major was Early childhood education, so I was doing plenty of writing… except lesson plans are boring and literally painful to write (especially when you have to re-write a 10 page lesson plan three times because you’re professor is a heinous wench!). College was stressful. After I stopped trying to make people who are morally against me, like me; after a long painful year; and after I changed my major; I decided to get back to my first love.

 

I took a creative writing class and I immediately hated everyone in the class including the teacher (I’m a snob when it comes to certain subjects). The professor was a weird little man who liked quirky sex stories, and the class was mostly pretentious sophomores who thought they knew everything about life and weren’t even drinking age *rolls eyes*. In my opinion writer’s are awkward, or weird, have a past, an over active imagination, or are crazy as hell. Only three people in the class fit that description and I was one of them. The first day of class, I got there early and claimed my seat. Then I wrote about how I get writer’s block. The class started and I forgot all about it. We are required to do daily free-writes, write several poems, creative non-fiction, and a short story. My poems were last minute and thrown together, my short story was a a cheesy love at first sight novel, and my creative non-fiction was GOLD! It was a conversation between two people, one liking the other, and asking if the person was gay. The class missed the entire point of the piece. I didn’t write for a while after that, I was so confused. How could they not get it? I came to the conclusion to stop trying to write for others, it makes me unhappy. The only way I will be able to get happiness from writing again, is to do it simply for the means of lessening the weight of my soul. I think it’s working because I’m able to find comfort in writing again.

 

 

We all straddle the abyss

People hate when I use this as a reference to their confusion but I couldn’t care less. These five words resound in me so loudly that the mega factory in my brain takes a hiatus and I can become content with the baffling world that surrounds me. I often feel alone and misunderstood. In recent years, I’ve been made to understand that I am not alone in feeling alone. Apparently, I’m supposed to take solace in the fact that others feel alone, except I don’t. I feel like when other people feel alone, I can come out of how I’m feeling to comfort, console, and make them feel less alone. They seldom return the favor (and by seldom I mean never). It’s like going to help someone clean their house when your house isn’t even clean, it’s ludicrous. Disney movies clouded my mine to think that people actually cared. In the midst of my alone, I realized that I feel out of touch because people don’t care anymore. Everyone is so selfish with so many ulterior motives that genuine people get cast away. The selfishness has eaten so much away at people that they feel as though everyone has the same motives they do and genuine people cannot be trusted. These days the only thing genuine is the debt crisis, the gaping hole in the ozone layer and me (if you are we are as well we are kindred souls). Life sometimes is too much for me, so I turn my brain off, sit in front of the computer watching old TV shows and straddle an abyss that has been working over time to consume me. It began to retreat once I started looking it in its eyes.

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“We all straddle the abyss.If we never look down, how can we know who we are?” – Helen Hunt in A Good Woman

 

Have you ever…

Have you ever just not been a fan of someone’s face? Not that they’re ugly or uncute, just you don’t like it? I just saw this boy and he by “traditional American standards” would be cute, but I was just not a fan. Now I do have my personal biases, but this one was different. He was plain, forgettable, but I remembered him because of how much I was not here for his face. This is weird…